We’ve been at Ron McDon as I now call it, for a whole week. We’ve gotten the lay of the land and Mercer moves confidently around the place and I don’t get turned around very often any more haha. Got some bins to organize our little in-room pantry, (your boy Merc eats a lot of chips!) I’ve fussed around every square inch of the place making it cozy and effective and clean. My dad departed this morning which is bittersweet. He was there when the dreaded words leukemia came out of the somber doctor’s mouth. He’s been there at every turn, grabbing Tim Horton’s toasted plain bagels with butter for Prince Mercer. He’s cheered at every good piece of news and helped us settle in here and been a true gem in every way. His departure signals a new level of reallness too. It’s all down to me. All up to me. Me, me, me.
Of course that isn’t strictly true. Mercer has a slew of supports and family and people and connections and resources and a list of care team professionals as long as my arm. Just as I am not an island either. But a lot of the weight of this season will weigh heaviest on me. Motherhood (and parenthood) is something that you know obviously is big and important. Like we all know to raise and care for a child is a massive undertaking. But there are key moments where the sheer vastness of what you’re responsible for strikes you and you can’t help but shiver with the intense fear and trepidation of oh my gosh what am I doing. I definitely had one of those moments today. “Oh wow… I’m actually doing this”
I have those moments where the reality of this situation smacks me in the face and I feel the full weight of it on me, making it hard to breath. But I exhale, inhale…. look across the room at my sweet 4 year old… Mercer is snoozing beside me now, calm and relaxed after a good day. His energy was decent, but the thing that amazes me most is his appetite!
It’s common for kids in the first phase of treatment (induction) to have a voracious appetite and I’d experienced that last week, but the last couple days have been next level! Today it was spaghetti at 8am he was craving but he woke up craving breadsticks on Friday chemo infusion day, so that was our reward. He ate an entire sleeve of BBQ Pringles affectionately mis-called “Spring roll chips” and the last two nights he’s woken at 3am with a whispered “mama I’m hungry” and he ate an entire Lunchable and slice of pizza one night and a rice cake, cookies, and more chips the other!! The other parents in our kitchen cohort laugh because they have all had the same moments. One mom’s kid was obsessed with Mr. Noodles with “super stinky cheese” and the other one was ketchup chips! A nurse told me one kid’s mom was lamenting that her son was obsessed with crab! How bougie!
His infusion on Friday went well! It was his first time going in and getting his port accessed (yay numbing cream that works!) and the chemo drip only takes 15 minutes so it’s a pretty short day. His favourite part is at the end of every clinic visit they give each kid a token for their toy machine–there are four choices and you put your token in, turn the handle and out pops your surprise toy. Bouncy balls, sticky hands, puppy figurines– Mercer picked the puppy this week and named him Arfy. Ridiculously cute. So off we trotted, and Mercer even walked the entire 10 minutes back to Ron McDon.
He’s handled the side effects really well this time and hasn’t been too uncomfortable which makes my mama heart relax. Today’s lovely surprise was a bunch of handmade quilts dropped off quietly at a table with “please help yourself” written on it. Gorgeous, painstakingly created, lovely quilts in different prints and colors and we scored a superhero one with beautiful green and grey and blue. Just perfect for him and reminds me of his quilt about half that size from the NICU in Victoria, handmade for preemie babes by the loving and generous-hearted quilters who will never even see the joy in the eyes of the moms and dads who wrap their babies in those blankets and keep them with the treasured keepsakes forever.
Those babies, my babies, were loved and thought of and cared for and treated with love and generosity by people who knew that moms and dad of preemie babies needed some extra care and attention. A small gesture, but oh my gosh, in those moments those gifts seem like the most extravagant amazing thing to have ever happened. Today, that table of free gifts left there to be chosen by admiring children reminded me of how much we all rely on the kindness of strangers.
Mr. Rogers has a million great quotes and I can get teary thinking of a few of them but the one that sticks out today is “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” Sometimes I’ve been blessed enough to be the helper, and sometimes I’ve been humble enough to find the helpers. May we both see them and be them!
Mighty Mercer 
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